You send 'em in - if we laugh we'll publish them here!!!
What's the definition of the bravest man in the world??
The man who comes home drunk, covered in lipstick and smelling of
perfume, then slaps his wife on the backside and says: "You're next,
fatty."
FEMALE COMPASSION...
A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach .
He had no arms and no legs.
Three women were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.
The first woman said "Have you ever had a hug?"
The man said "No," so she gave him a hug and walked on.
The second woman said "Have you ever had a kiss?"
The man said "No," so she gave him a kiss and walked on.
The third woman walked over to him and whispered in his ear
"Have you ever been f****d?"
The fellow looked up in amazement and said "No"
She said "You will be when the tide comes in"
A woman scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive man standing alone.
She approached him.
"My name is Carmen," she told him.
"That's a beautiful name," he said. "Is it a family name?"
"No," she replied. "I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most - cars and men."
"What's your name?" she asked.
"Beertits," he said.
Software Updates
A few months ago, I upgraded from DrinkingMates 4.2 to Girlfriend 1.0 which I had been told for a few years wouldn't give me any trouble. However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off.
To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other applications, such as LadsNightOut 3.1, Football 4.5 and Playboy 6.9.
Successive versions of Girlfriend 1.0 proved no better. I tried a shareware program, Slapper 2.1, but it had many bugs and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks.
Eventually, I tried to run the new Girlfriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detect each other, they caused severe damage to my hardware. I eventually upgraded to Fiancée 1.0, only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0. Whilst Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does at least come bundled with FreeSexPlus and CleanHouse 2004. Shortly after this upgrade however, I found that Wife 1.0 could be very unstable and extremely costly to run.
Any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted. They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them. Wife 1.0 also has an automatic diary, explorer and e-mail filter, and can, without warning, launch TurboStrop and Whinge 2. Worse still, these latter products have no help files, and I have to try and guess what the problem is.
Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring Adobe ShoeShop, Handbag Searcher and Hairstyle Express, all of which need to be reinstalled every other week. Also when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Golf GT hard drive, it often crashes. Wife 1.0 also comes with an annoying pop-up called MotherInLaw, which can't be turned off.
I've recently been tempted to install Mistress 2006, but there could be problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0 detects Mistress 2006, it tends to delete all of your money before uninstalling itself.
See - Beer is good for you>>>>
It has been scientifically proven that if we drink 1 litre of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli bacteria found in faeces, in other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poo per year!
However, we do not run that risk when drinking Beer because alcohol has to go through a distillation process of boiling, filtering and fermenting.
WATER = POO
BEER = HEALTH
Free yourself of Poo, drink BEER!
It is better to drink Beer and talk crap than to drink water and be full of shit!
There is no need to thank us for this valuable information, We do it as a public service.
